Divorce between 10:30pm and 4am
It gets to 10:30pm and the dream feed begins. Everything is lovely and quiet, calm and dark. The night light is on and your baby is still in a dreamy sleep like state whilst taking her warm milk.
Then enters the Light House beam guiding ships to safety that so happens to be installed on your iPhone.
'Have you got a pin?' he whispers, which is actually like a stage whisper for an audience of a 1000 people and why is he shining that light on my face like I'm being interrogated?
'Can you not shine the light on the baby please! And what do you mean, you need a pin?’ (His iPhone sim was playing up and he needed the pin to get it out.)
'Just go downstairs and get it out of the box it came with.' Whispered through gritted teeth.
'Can't find it, don't you have a broach?' They can never find it even when it's right bang in front of them and has he ever seen me wear a broach?
And now the baby is starting to open her eyes, blinking in a confused state and thinking, oh there's that light again. That’s when the thought of divorce enters into your mind. Hhmmm must call mum and find out if she knows a lawyer.
He eventually finds an earring and an hour later all is asleep...
Its 3am and the sound of small movement and a little whimper makes your stomach churn and you think you'd rather hear cats having a full on fist fight outside your bedroom window or foxes having sex (or is that cats having sex that makes horrendous violent noises?) than your baby waking up. Please anything else. And as you turn into a statue so that any movement doesn't wake your baby up, that little 'eh eh eh' turns into what seems like 100 saucepans bashing together.
You get told by your other half, 'just bring her into bed.' This would be absolutely fine but I've been doing this since she was born (I know its not allowed but we've all done it, right?) and when she gets into bed with me she thinks it's fun to massage me with her little soft feet. This actually feels like sharp jabs in the back. She can also smell my milk which wakes her up every 30 minutes, which makes her snort like a pig and cry because I am not rushing to get my nipple into her mouth. So excuse me my darling if I'm not jumping like Tigger towards the cot to go and get our baby so she can do all the above.
He proceeds to tell me, ‘I have to be up in 3 and a half hours.’
'So do I.' I reply. I tell him this is actually the third time she has woke me.
'Urggghhh she's killing me!’ He replies.
Where are the papers? I'll sign on the dotted line right now.
7am comes, he kisses me goodbye and we love each other again…possibly!